I will die if light touches me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize