He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
