I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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