Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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