Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.