last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just tell him i said nine months
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
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Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.