So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
