I just threw up on my dentist
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
