why do cheetos always look like penises
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
