My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
