why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
