Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
