She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
