how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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