God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
