there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
