I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
