My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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