he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
