I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
