I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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