I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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