Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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