We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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