Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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