So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
FUCK WHALES
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