Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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