Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
