my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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