i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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