You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
