Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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