youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
