i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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