It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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