she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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