Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sarcasm needs its own font
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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