she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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