I want to make a zoo with you.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
