i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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