he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
