when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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