Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.