Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers