Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.