Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit