you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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