Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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