he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I supernannyed him into submission
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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