Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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