I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
