I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
