So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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