Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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