I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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