I'd wear matching sweaters with you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
