Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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