I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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