girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
