hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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