I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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